Things We Hide
by xobriannaxo
Summary: Everyone hides things.It's the way life is.He had been hiding how he felt and thought he could move on.When she comes home to tell the family something life changing he finds himself letting the fire he had managed to contain overwhelm him once again.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer- I own nothing…**

**Summary-This story is based very loosely on ****The Russell Girl****. I used an idea from it to help develop the story. I don't want to give up too much but it is about Casey coming home after barely visiting but she has a secret. She came home to tell her family something but is afraid that finally telling someone will make it all real. Meanwhile Derek is battling with his own demons. He finally had gotten over her only to have her return and mess with his head and heart again. It doesn't help that Casey has no idea of how Derek felt about her. **

**Prologue**

_It started out as a tiny flame. Over time it developed. Let's say that it became a smoldering fire after a while. Then the fire grew until it consumed me. It went from smoldering fire to inferno. Every part of my body ached when she was around and when she wasn't. I couldn't stop the thoughts that fleeted through my head. _

_Every moment of my life was obsessed with thinking of her. Time away from her hurt as strange as it sounded. Every moment I was away from her drove me absolutely crazy. I met her when I was fifteen. I sometimes would stare at her and wonder how I had lived without her. I would wonder how I could have existed without her in my life. I still think about it. How could I have possibly lived without this girl in my life? It didn't make sense to me. It seemed as if any purpose I had had before her was erased. Every goal was now replaced. My life goal was now to be with her in any way possible. If it meant as stepbrother I would have done it just so I could be close to her. _

_Casey made me who I am today, even if she never knows it. She made me want to be better. She made me want to prove everyone who had ever told me I would fail, that I could succeed. She tested me. She irritated me. She made me try. _

_We fought at first. I was hiding from my feelings and she was just being stubborn. We bonded only when she lost her dad. She was willful the weeks following his death. It was as if Casey was gone and a walking zombie was in her place. Her mom didn't know what to do, Lizzie was too wrapped up in her own pain to notice, Edwin was never that good with feelings, my dad was afraid of overstepping his boundaries, and Marti was a kid. That left me…Derek, to the rescue. I like to think I did save her. She talked to me but that just made that fire devour me faster. She became one of my best friends after that. _

_That was even more annoying. Casey, my best friend and crush. It was the last thing I wanted or needed. I wanted the fire to go away. I was tired of feeling as if I was going to explode when ever I was around her. I wanted to tell her but could you imagine what she would say? I did…I thought up so many responses that it drove me crazy. One was the normal, 'Eww Derek, that's gross. We are step sibs'. There was also the not so great, 'Derek how perverted are you?! That's like you saying you want to date Marti'. _

_I thought over and over again what I could do. I dated more girls than ever. It didn't help. She dated guys. There was Sam, Max, and Noel. Those were the main guys. There were dates in between; they never really mattered…at least in my eyes. Sam didn't worry me. I knew that would be over without me having to help it along and at that point, I was still hopeful. I was still hopeful that the fire would go away during this time. By the time the Max era had passed and Noel was the new star, I was consumed._

_I sometimes wonder if maybe Casey knew all along and thought it was funny. Derek, the player, falling for her clumsy spacey Casey. But then I realize she could have never known. She wasn't that good an actress. She never noticed the way I stared at her. She never noticed the way I always tried to make her laugh and how disappointed I got when she wouldn't laugh at my carefully thought-out jokes. She didn't notice that whenever we went to the beach I was spent the majority of the time in the water due to various bikinis. She never seemed to notice the glares I sent her boyfriends, even Sam. She didn't notice that after she came, I never missed a day of school except for the chicken pox drama. Missing a day of school would have meant being away from her. She didn't notice what pushy little Lizzie saw, what Edwin the weirdo saw, or what oblivious little Marti saw. Even Sam noticed after a while. Sam noticed the way I got extremely happy when I learned Casey would be attending one of our hockey games or how unhappy I was while they sat around at my house while Casey was out with Max or Noel. _

_I once looked up love in the dictionary. I wanted to figure out if that was what I was feeling. There were several definitions on the Merriam Webster online dictionary. One was 'strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties'. I discarded this as the love I could feel towards her. I had never thought of her as a sibling. The second was 'attraction based on sexual desire'. This would I could see applying to us. I definitely felt some sexual desires when I was around her. I had to be careful not to think too deeply into my fantasies in her presence. The third was 'affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests'. I admired her sure but that didn't seem right. I liked the second one but I couldn't help but feel like my feeling went beyond my hormones. _

_I tried to move past all thoughts of love though. I tried to be her friend. I thought it would get easier but it just got worse. I managed to control it though. I had the fire contained. It wasn't gone but he could control it. The worst and best thing that happened was her leaving. She had gotten accepted to medical school. She was going to be Casey the doctor. I had been so proud of her. I had been sad too though. The idea of her all the way in America, where she had chosen to go scare me, although I would never admit it even in my drunkest stupor. She had promised to call though. She had too at first. But as time passed the calls grew farther and father apart. I was glad to get a postcard with a note once a month. _

_Hey!! Sorry I haven't called but everything is so hectic. Love and miss you._

_Casey_

_I managed to contain the fire while she was gone. Having her away helped. After a few months, the inferno died down and turned to its status as a smoldering fire. The fire and I waited for her to return and rekindle it. Waited for her to come back and the fire to assume its normal intensity. She didn't come back though. Tickets were bought but always excuses would follow. Finally, none of them expected her to come back. I gave up. I was done waiting for a girl who wouldn't return. I was done waiting for Casey. _

_I heard that once you let someone go and forget about them, they pop back up. It seemed to be a rather inconvenient idea to me. I thought it was stupid because what's the chances of that happening? This was probably before I met Casey._

- - -

Casey was twenty four and averting back to her old ways. Or at least that was what her best friend Morgan had told her this morning. When Casey had asked her what her old ways were, Morgan had said oppressing her feelings and allowing them to build up until she exploded. Casey sometimes wondered whether or not Morgan should be a doctor. She made a much better psychiatrist.

"I am only going back for the summer," Casey said. Morgan was lying across her bed, watching her disdainfully. Morgan and Casey both went to med school and shared an apartment. They had been friends for too long though. Morgan knew whenever Casey lied. She knew when Casey was hiding something. She also knew when Casey was scared.

"That is what you tell yourself now. Once you allow yourself to fall back into familiar patterns, you are going to find it hard to come back," Morgan told her.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Casey said as she threw another shirt haphazardly into her open suitcase. She was in front of her closet, trying to decide what to bring home with her.

"I don't think that this is a good idea…at all," Morgan mumbled.

"Why are you so against me going home?" Casey asked, wheeling around to look at her blonde best friend. Morgan pulled on one of her curls and examined it carefully.

"Morgan?" Casey said, impatiently.

"If you go there, who's to say you'll come back? Then what will I do for food," Morgan asked. Casey laughed at the guilty look on her friend's face.

"Trust me, I'll be back. There is nothing there for me. Although my mom is going to want me to visit more often after this. I can feel it," Casey added.

"How are you going to tell them?" Morgan asked, curiously.

"Bluntly. I might wait a while but I will tell them while I am there," Casey said, turning back to the closet to avoid meeting Morgan's knowledge-filled eyes.

"You want me to come?" Morgan asked.

"No, I'll be fine. It's better if I deal with this on my own anyway," Casey answered.

"Well, if at any point you want me to come there, I will," Morgan assured her.

"Don't worry, I've got this figured out," Casey said. She had planned it out. How she would address this. She had always planned everything out. Lately though, even _she_ had to admit that her plans weren't working. Things just kept getting out of her control. Not even she could fix this, no matter how much she wished she could.

**(A/N-Hope you liked it!! Next chapter, Casey goes home! Please review and tell me what you think!)**


	2. Fix This

**Disclaimer- I own nothing…**

**Chapter 1**

_When Nora told me Casey was coming home for the summer, I took the time to prepare myself. I have my own apartment but I still spent a lot of time at home. I couldn't cook so if I wanted to survive, I needed Nora's food. This meant that I couldn't avoid Casey because not only would that hurt Nora's feelings but it would also result in me dying from starvation since I had a refrigerator that had a few beers and a freezer with a few packages of pizza rolls. So seeing her was inevitable. _

_To prepare myself, I spent the whole entire weekend before with my girlfriend. Then, on Monday, I broke up with her. It wasn't because of Casey of course. I had just realized that she was extremely clingy and that is the story I am sticking by, no matter who says otherwise. _

_Anticipation is a dirty thing though. I looked it up. (I have to say, liking Casey makes me look up a lot of words.) The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines anticipation as a prior action that takes into account or forestalls a later action. I didn't like that one so I went to the next definition. The second one said the act of looking forward; especially: pleasurable expectation. Now that made sense. I was looking forward to seeing her. Whether it would be a pleasurable experience was still a question. The question was whether seeing her would make me burn or not. The fire was flaring at her name. How could I deal with her in person? I feel as if I am going crazy! I do and don't want her to come back. I can't have it both ways though. _

_I used to wish I could forget she ever existed but I know I can't. Forgetting would hurt more. Having her as my best friend had been better than nothing. At least then I could hug her innocently. She didn't know that my heart would skip a beat when she walked into my room. Or that every time we would go to the movies with our friends, I would purposely sit next to her and most likely would have hurt someone if they got in my way. She saw me as the best friend. She saw me as her Will. I got irritated when I learned that was how she thought of me. I wanted to be more than just some best friend. I couldn't help but think that she must be totally oblivious to what was right in front of her face. Her own mother knew, not that I wanted her to. After a while, it had been hard to find. I wasn't the slickest person with my feelings. Maybe if I was a little more careful, none of this would have happened._

- - -

Casey was tired. She had gotten plenty of sleep beforehand and spent the past couple of hours on a plane, yet she was more tired than she had ever felt in her life. She spent the plane ride regretting stepping a foot in the airport. This summer wouldn't be easy. Morgan was probably right. Once she got home, she would feel the pull to stay. Although, she knew that she had to return to New York. This little detour life was throwing her would not disturb her plans. She would take care of it in an orderly fashion. When she tried to explain this all to Morgan, she had told her that she was in denial. This was not something that could be taken care of in a day. She was trying not to think about all that though. She was thinking about anything but that.

As she sat there on the plane, her mind strayed to her mother, who would be so happy to finally have her home. To Lizzie, who was going to have so much to share with. Her mind flickered to Derek, a smile grew on her face. Derek had been her enemy at the beginning but a good friend in the end, all because of her dad's death. She remembered that days after she had been barely alive. She had sat in her room, unaware of anyone else, unaware of anyone's pain but her own. It was Derek who had gotten her out of that fog though. She could remember laying in her bed and him pulling the blankets of her. He asked her what was she doing and she had told him to fuck off. He had look shocked at the word that had passed her lips but had recovered quickly. He had yelled at her. It was interesting, m yelling. He had asked her if she realized that she wasn't the only one in pain. Her answer had been nothing. She had nothing to say because the truth was, she hadn't been thinking about anyone but herself. After he was done yelling at her, he had taken her downstairs and gave her a bowl of _his _cereal. After that, their friendship had been born.

She used to joke that they were like Will and Grace. Derek would get mad at her and remind her that he wasn't gay. She still thought they were like Will and Grace. But in the end, she and Derek had grown apart. She realized that she took most of the blame for that. She was the one who had stopped calling, resorting to post cards. Later, even those had stopped. Derek had been a good friend but she wanted to focus. She wanted to focus on following the careful plan she and her father had developed.

Casey and her father had planned it all out. She would go to college in New York, then to medical school. She had just finished a year of medical school and already her plan was being destroyed. She would get it back on track though. She owed her dad that much.

She was going back now. Derek would be there. Her mother would be there. Lizzie, Edwin, George, and Marti would all be there. She would have to tell them all something that would break their hearts. She couldn't picture it...looking Derek in the face would be the hardest things in the world. She should have kept in touch, maybe that would have it made it easier to tell him. Maybe he could have helped her tell them. Maybe she wouldn't be so scared. Derek had always known how to calm her down. He could also fix everything. Maybe he could fix this...somehow.

**(A/N-Hoped you liked it!! Sorry it was short!! Please review!!)**


	3. Well Hello

**Disclaimer-I own nothing…**

**Chapter 2**

_I thought I was ready. I had mentally prepared myself for this. I had told myself over and over 'do not let her have control of you'. I was the one in control now. I had lived without her and had gotten through the pain. The fire that had roared when she was around could be conquered…it could be controlled. I was done with her. _

_That's what I thought and had told myself. When I saw her it was a whole different story. She stood there, a smile on her face, unaware. She was totally unaware that the smile on my own face was masking the pain. I felt as if someone was burning me alive. Every part of my body was inflamed. She was so beautiful that it killed me. I wanted to scream but I also wanted to hide. I had thought I was so prepared but nothing could prepare me for her. She had always managed to surprise me. To mess with my head and here she was doing it again. It wasn't fair. _

_The worst part was she didn't notice. She couldn't see how much I had missed her. How badly it had hurt when those stupid postcards stopped coming. She didn't realize that even those meaningless words had kept me going. To me having her at least acknowledge me was good enough. She didn't notice that I was standing there, burning alive. She didn't realize that she was the one holding the match._

- - -

When she got off the plane, she didn't bother to look for her family. She had told them that she didn't want to be picked up. It looked like, for the first time in a very long time, her family had listened to her too. She got to the baggage center and picked up her two suitcases and was walking slowly towards the exit of the airport when she heard her name yelled in a high pitched squeal. She turned to see her mother, Lizzie, Edwin, George, and Marti. Casey couldn't help but groan inwardly. Lizzie and Edwin looked a lot older than she remembered. They were both 20 years old now and sharing an apartment, although they were "just friends". Casey had always thought there was something more there but when she brought it up, Lizzie had always managed to change the subject. Marti still had a hint of her innocent face but everything else had changed into a teenage body. Her mother looked close to tears while George just stood there, smiling. Casey sighed as she changed direction and walked over to her family. She couldn't help but notice one person missing. The lack of presence was like a glaring sign that couldn't be ignored.

"Now I know you said you didn't want us to make a big deal out of you coming home but we couldn't help ourselves," Nora said as she rushed forward to hug her oldest daughter.

"Its okay mom," Casey said, hugging her back.

"I can't believe you actually came," Lizzie remarked.

"You owe me ten bucks," Edwin said to Lizzie, who rolled her eyes before hugging her sister.

"I am so glad you are back Casey! Now I have another girl in the house, since Lizzie abandoned me," Marti said.

"It's only for the summer," Casey reminded them.

"We know, we know," Nora said. Casey looked around again as if she could somehow miss Derek and her eyes met George's, who seemed to now immediately what she was doing.

"Derek is really sorry he couldn't come with us to pick you up but he had work," George told her, a small smile on his face.

"Oh…where does he work?" Casey asked.

- - -

"Thanks so much for fitting me in today Derek. I really, really appreciate it," a petite blonde said to Derek. She had her hand on his arm but he ignored it. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam laughing. He tried to ignore that too. Two years ago, Derek and Sam had opened a gym together, despite everyone telling them what a bad idea it was. Turns out, for once, Derek's instincts had been right. The gym had been a huge success and they had even expanded it to a bigger space a couple months ago. It now included a spa, ice rink, basketball court, and tennis courts. With the gym, came other things too, like young women who just couldn't take a hint. Derek and Sam were personal trainers at the gym and clients could make appointments with them. Derek got a lot of attention from women at the gym since he was the single one. It came from young and old, married and singled. The married ones were the worst though.

"It was no problem _Mrs._ Wentworth," Derek said, emphasizing the Mrs. purposely.

"Oh, how many times have I told you to call me Jennifer," she told him.

"Right, I will try and remember that when I see you next Tuesday," Derek answered.

"Okay, until then Derek," she said, walking away.

"Bye," he replied. He went in search of Sam, who was now in the weight room.

"You know, you could have helped me out with that," Derek said, annoyed.

"Sorry but it's funnier to watch," Sam told him.

"Whatever, next time you need me to bail you out you can just kiss my-," Derek started.

"Hey! Watch it. Anyways, I thought you were leaving early today," Sam said.

"Why would I leave early?" Derek asked, confused.

"Umm…Casey is coming home today, right?" Sam asked.

"Shit you are right! Yeah, I am just going to swing by the house and say hey…I guess," Derek said, trying to seem casual as he spoke, despite the fact that his heart had started to beat faster at the very thought of seeing her.

"So you excited?" Sam asked.

"Excited…why would I be excited? I mean, its just Casey," Derek retorted.

"Right, just Casey," Sam said, chuckling as he walked away.

"Why are you laughing," Derek called after him.

"Because this is going to be the best summer ever," Sam retorted. Derek watched him leave the room, rooted to where he stood. He had to regain control. He could already feel his whole body rebelling. The fire was returning. He ignored it. He had to.

- - -

She was already feeling closed in. She had been in her old home two hours and already she had to leave it. She told her mom she wanted to go for a walk and get some air but the truth was, she felt like she was suffocating in that house. She felt her secret in her, ready to burst from her mouth. She wasn't ready yet though. It had to wait. As soon as she was outside, she took in a deep breath of the cool air. She started to walk, going past Emily's house. She wondered how Emily was but her mind drifted past that within moments as a wave of nausea hit her. She stopped and put her hand to her stomach as if that could make it go away.

"Casey?" a voice said behind her, causing her to wheel around. The voice was so familiar. The same warm voice that she had heard most of her teen years.

"Derek," she said, happily. He had gotten taller and was more built now but he had the same warm brown eyes that she remembered. She wasn't sure what caused her to do it but before she knew it, she was hugging him.

"Well, hello to you too," he said, laughing as he hugged her tightly.

"Derek I have missed you so much," Casey whispered. For some reason, she felt the strong urge to cry. She contemplated telling him right there on the sidewalk but realized that there were much more appropriate places. Morgan would have said she was stalling. This time she would have to agree but when she thought about saying the words aloud, it mad her feel weak. She hated that feeling more than the feeling she felt once she was out of Derek's arms…it was the safest she had felt in the past few months and within a few moments, it had been taken away.

**(A/N-Hope you liked it!! Sorry it was such a long wait but school just started and I am finally a senior and have AP English!! Please review!! And keep guessing what Casey's secret is! I like seeing what you all think is up!!)**


	4. Fake Smiles

**Disclaimer-I own nothing…**

**Chapter 3**

_I never claimed to be smart. I've never claimed to know a lot. I've never claimed to be able to read people. But one thing I will say is that I can tell when something's up. Maybe Nora was just happy that she had come home. George was happy that Nora was happy. Lizzie finally got to spend time with her sister. At first, even I didn't notice. I was so consumed with my flames that I didn't notice. But after a few moments, I did. That's when I started to question her real reasons for coming home._

_She sat there, smiling and laughing. I knew those fake smiles and that fake laugh. It used to drive me crazy. It would send me on a rampage to figure out what was wrong and I would be on a mission to kick whoever's ass it was that had caused it. Someone or something hurt my Casey. Well maybe not __**my**__ Casey but someone hurt her, which meant I had to hurt someone. _

- - -

She surprised even herself. The stories she was telling that caused everyone to smile and laugh. The smiles she herself had plastered across her face…so fake. The laughing she managed to force past her lips. They all believed it. They all took it in with smiles of their own that were genuine. Only Derek looked at her strangely. She frowned at this. It made her angry. He was going to ruin it with his stares. He could see right past her…he always could. But now she needed him to wait. If he was anything like he used to be, he would bust her in front of everyone. He would make her break. She would have to talk. She would have to say words that broke her when she heard them. She had never said it out loud. She didn't have to, she had Morgan for that. Morgan understood that this wasn't part of the plan. Morgan understood why for the first couple days, she refused to deal with this.

But that time was up. She had come home to tell them, to deal with it. Too bad the only thing in her mind was run…run away from her family, from Morgan, from stupid Peter who had started this mess, and from Derek…who saw through everything. She did blame Peter and he knew that. It made him feel bad and Morgan told her that it was very immature of her but she did. She blamed him for her life falling apart.

"Casey…Casey!" her mom said, trying to get her attention.

"Sorry what did you say?" Casey answered, looking at her mother as she tried not to think about her reason from coming home.

"I was trying to remember the name of that boy you were seeing in New York," Nora said.

"Mom, there was no boy," Casey said, stealing a glance at Derek who looked annoyed.

"Yes there was, his name was Parker," Nora exclaimed triumphantly

"First of all, his name is Peter and we are just friends, if anything at all," Casey said coldly.

"Oh…well what happened?" Nora asked, surprised.

"Nothing happened mom. We were and are friends," Casey answered.

"Well Casey, why aren't you dating?" Nora asked.

"I don't have time to date," she retorted, causing Derek to laugh.

"What's so funny," Casey asked him indignantly.

"Who doesn't have time to date?" Derek muttered.

"People who have very busy schedules," Casey answered, annoyed by his comment.

Derek stared at her and she made a face.

"You sure that's the only reason you aren't dating," he asked quietly.

"Why else would I not be dating?" Casey asked him sharply. There was no way he knew. He wasn't a mind reader.

"You tell me," he simply said.

"Nothing. Nothing is wrong. I'm fine," she said, standing up. This whole exchange had gone unnoticed by their family but when she stood up, Nora looked at her.

"What's wrong?" Nora asked her.

"Nothing. I'm just tired. I'm going to go upstairs and rest for a little while," Casey told her. As soon as she said it, she could feel exhaustion sweep through her, followed by a sense of dizziness. She had to grab hold of the table to steady herself. Unfortunately, Derek noticed this weak moment and raised his eyebrow at her. She turned away quickly and left the room, doing her best to maintain a strong stride. He wouldn't see her fall….none of them would. Derek watched her with worried eyes and tried his best to smile as Nora began to bombard him with questions now that her favorite target was gone.

- - -

"It was just so fake," Derek told Sam, who was trying to hide a smile.

"I mean, it was like she wasn't even trying," he continued as he paced in Sam and Emily's living room.

"Maybe you just notice these things more because you know her so well," Sam pointed out.

"No, this even _you_ would have noticed," Derek retorted.

"Derek, when are you just going to admit you love her so I can sleep," Emily said from where she sat on the couch in her pajamas. Derek had left his parents house around ten that night and had come straight to Sam and Emily's home. Derek couldn't help but notice that Emily didn't seem to care for him being there at the moment.

"Okay, that is just stupid. I don't love her, I mean she's annoying," Derek said, causing Emily to roll her eyes. She got up and Sam watched her leave the room then turned to Derek with a look of annoyance on his face.

"Listen dude, we are best friends but Emily is waiting for me so I am going to need for you to leave before she gets upset with me," Sam told him.

"You know what? Whatever. Obviously my problems mean nothing to you," Derek exclaimed.

"That's…um…basically…its…whatever. Bye, see you at work tomorrow," Sam said, standing up.

"Sam, something is wrong with Casey, does this not bother you at all," Derek asked him.

"If something was seriously wrong she would say something," Sam answered as he tried to move him towards the front door.

"No, a normal person would do this but this is Casey! Casey who thinks she can fix every little problem that comes her way," Derek told him. Sam had managed to push Derek to the door now and reached around to open it. Derek sighed and walked out the door but then turned to face Sam.

"Mark my words something is wrong," Derek told him.

"Thanks, I'll take note," Sam said before he shut the door in Derek's face. Derek stared at it for several moments before turning around and walking out of the apartment building. His mind was jumbled. So many things could be wrong. He was trying to piece things together when one idea struck him, causing him to stop with the keys halfway in the ignition. Casey was a planner. One thing that could ruin everything right now that would come without planning…it was obvious.

"She's pregnant," he muttered under his breath. The very idea of Casey carrying a child caused his stomach to churn. Casey pregnant with a man who he didn't know. She was carrying someone else's child. It made him sick. He wanted to punch something but realized that punching his window was not a smart idea.

"Whatever. Who cares," he mumbled. He started to drive towards his house but at the last moment, he turned abruptly toward his parents' home. He needed to know.

**(A/N-So Derek has a guess but it doesn't mean he's right! Next chapter we will find out if he is right! I noticed that reviews are going down so please people let's review! I want to know what you guys think! Hope you liked it!! Please review!)**


	5. Tired

**Disclaimer- I own nothing…**

**Chapter 4**

_The past makes us feel stable. Old friends remind us of who we are or who we once were. They also remind us of what we once wanted._

_Emily was always her best friend. Sam was always mine. When they ended up together, I wasn't surprised. We all went out together. I will admit Ralph and Kendra's being together did surprise me. I was happy for them. I had my girl…well girls. I've dated so much over the past couple of years that they have all blended into one girl. The wrong girl. No matter what I did, I could never find her. I tried so hard to find the perfect girl. I would sit in my room and picture her ending up with the image of a leggy blue eyed girl. After thinking over this image, I would go find a girl who was the opposite. A girl who was shallow. A girl with brown eyes. A girl who couldn't dance. A girl who loved horror movies. A girl who hated to talk about her feelings. A girl who wasn't Casey. _

_Sam told me the reason I couldn't find my perfect girl was because the girl I was looking for wasn't in this country. I punched him in the gut and Emily yelled at me. _

_I once wanted Casey…I still want Casey._

Derek had to know. He knew he was right. He was always right…about most things. It was one o'clock at night when he stumbled into his parents' home. He tried to be quiet as he walked up the stairs but that never had been his area of expertise. When he stumbled into her room, he was still trying to wonder how he would phrase his question. He shut the door behind himself quietly. He walked over to her bed as lightly as he could and looked down at her. Her window was open, causing the light form outside to fall on her face. He stood there for a few minutes, speechless. She was beautiful. This was a fact he had known since the moment she stepped into his life. Inside and out, Casey MacDonald was the most beautiful human being he had ever met.

He stood there trying to remember why he was there when it hit him. She was carrying someone else's baby. An unknown man had touched his Casey. An unknown man had kissed his Casey. An unknown man had…no, he wouldn't even think it. It would kill him even thinking it. This unknown man, what did he have that Derek didn't? Was he smarter then Derek? Was he neater? Was he taller? Was he cuter? What did he look like? Derek couldn't help but wonder. He was probably average. He probably didn't deserve to be with her but what did it matter. He had one thing Derek would never have.

"Casey," he whispered as he stood there in pain. He turned around and started to walk away.

"Derek?" Casey muttered as she sat up. He wheeled around as his eyes widened.

"What are you doing in here?" she asked him groggily.

"Nothing…I had to ask you something but it's not important," he told her.

"Well, if you are coming in my room this late it must be important so just spit it out," she ordered.

"Are you pregnant?" he asked.

"What?! No, I am not pregnant! Why would you even think that?" she asked.

"Well, you have been acting weird since you got home and I just thought maybe that was why," he retorted as happiness flooded his body. She's not pregnant. She's not pregnant. She's not pregnant. She's not pregnant. Derek couldn't help but think over and over.

"Derek, I am not pregnant," she told him. She's not pregnant.

"I know," he said and she looked at him…confused.

"Okay good," she replied.

"Well, you can go back to bed now," he told her happily.

"Um…thanks," she said.

"Night Casey," he said softly.

"Good night Derek," she answered as he slipped out of her room. She lay back down and sighed.

"Pregnant? Yeah okay, Derek," she whispered to herself. She was not that irresponsible or at least she liked to think so. She hadn't had the chance to get pregnant in a while anyways. The last guy she had seriously dated had ended up being too uptight for even her. She had dated a long list of "bad" guys. Guys that were a little too dedicated to their studies, guys that depend on their parents to make sure their bills were paid, guys that wouldn't know fun if it bit them in the ass. Guys with green or blue eyes had been her safest bet. Guys with brown eyes had always left her disappointed. None of them were as warm or happy or as much fun as Derek.

She thought about running down the stairs right then and telling him. She thought about stopping him and begging him to fix this. Casey thought about crying for the first time in weeks with Derek's arms around her and she felt somewhat better. She knew however that it wasn't an option. Crying in Derek's arms was the last thing she would and could do. Crying was not going to solve this problem. Casey had to do it by herself. That was the why she solved everything…by herself.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I didn't want you to have to do this by yourself," Morgan told an angry Casey.

"Morgan, the last thing I need is you up my butt okay. I am fine," Casey told Morgan who despite all this was still unpacking her bag that was sitting on the cot next to Casey's bed.

"Have you told them yet?" she asked unnecessarily.

"No, but I am waiting. Do you want me to just spring this on them? It's kind of a big deal," Casey argued.

"It's also time sensitive, Casey," Morgan reminded her.

"I realize that but I need some time," Casey said the tone of her voice not hiding her desperation.

"Casey, you can't run from this," Morgan told her softly.

"I know…just a little bit longer," Casey replied. They both stood there in silence until Casey sat down on her bed.

"I'm not leaving Casey. You need someone here," Morgan told her as she returned to her bag.

"Anyways now I can finally meet the amazing Derek," Morgan said trying to lighten the mood. Casey couldn't help but smile. Morgan and Derek would get along perfectly. Morgan was almost as much fun as him. Casey could picture it now little Morgan and Derek. They would look adorable together. The idea made her want to throw up but what didn't.

"Casey, you look tired," Morgan whispered.

"I am," she answered as she sat up.

**(A/N-Hope you liked it!! I am so sorry that I haven't updated in so long. I am going to start updating more regularly. Please review!!)**


	6. Silence

**Disclaimer- I own nothing…**

**Chapter 5**

_Silences are interesting. You can take that time to evaluate what the people around you might be thinking. You can study their facial expressions and try to imagine the words fleeting through their brains._

_There are so many different kinds of silences, too. There is your awkward silence which usually is caused by someone saying something weird. Then you have your uncomfortable silence which is really different from the awkward. The uncomfortable silence can be when no one has said anything but you both know something should be said. The best is the comfortable silence. No need to speak just silence._

_I wonder if she knows that every time she's silent I hope she's thinking about me._

He had waited about a week before he made another appearance. He had stopped by for brunch. The weirdest meal that was ever invented. Nora and George got really into it though so he had to stop by…for their sake not for hers.

Turns out she had a visitor. Morgan kept giving him looks that he didn't like. She also kept looking at Casey as if she thought Casey would explode any second or maybe the proper phrase would be disappear. Derek could have sworn that she had gotten smaller somehow. This of course proved that she couldn't be pregnant because if she was then she would be getting bigger.

The whole table was silent and he wasn't sure why. It made him wonder if this was something that had been occurring for a while. Before Casey silence was almost impossible to accomplish but now they sat there as if they were waiting for something to happen. He was waiting to see who would be the first to finally but this madness to a stop.

"So, Derek, they tell me you own a gym," Morgan said.

"Yep," he answered.

"I can't remember the last time we went to a gym," Morgan said looking at Casey. He found it interesting that she spoke in plurals obviously referring to Casey. They looked close. Nora had said they had been roommates for a while now. Whatever Casey was hiding Morgan would know.

"During the Liam age I think," Casey told her.

"Liam age?" Nora said.

"Liam was this guy Casey dated who was absolutely obsessed with fitness. I want to repeat this to get the point across obsessed. He would wake up at three a.m. just so he could go for a two hour jog every morning even on Sundays. He spent at least two hours at the gym each day. It was ridiculous," Morgan told them. Derek was more than surprised that Casey would date someone like that.

"He was a very intense person," Casey added.

"Intense? Casey I swore that every time he looked at you he was going to eat you. He had some real problems. It was all worth it in the end though," Morgan said.

"How so?" Nora asked.

"Because when Casey dumped him as was to be expected the guy blubbered like a baby it was hysterical and slightly sad," Morgan explained.

"Why was it expected?" Nora asked saving Derek some trouble.

"Well she always breaks up with them. Casey can't date a guy more than a month. She always finds something wrong with them. It's an amazing talent actually," Morgan told them.

"I can date a guy longer than a month," Casey objected.

"Name one," Morgan ordered. Derek was really starting to like this Morgan girl. She was getting him more information than he had heard in months.

"James," Casey answered smugly.

"Oh yeah. I'll give you that," Morgan said frowning.

"Who is James?" Nora asked. Derek could tell that Nora was starting to warm up to Morgan, too. In fact Morgan reminded him of someone. He just couldn't figure out whom.

"James was shall we say perfect but, this is Casey we are talking about so even she found something wrong with our perfect man," Morgan told them.

"Perfect?" Derek finally said.

"He was amazing. He would do whatever he had to just to make Casey happy. He was handsome, loyal, kind, smart, and sweet," Morgan gushed.

"He sounds like a dog," Derek retorted causing Edwin, Lizzie, and Marti to laugh. Morgan was silent for a moment staring at Derek. He felt uncomfortable because he felt as if she could see right through him. The look in her eyes said she knew too much. She turned her gaze from him to Casey.

"I thought you said he was funny," Morgan whispered in a loud voice causing everyone to laugh. Casey tried not to laugh while Derek sat there glaring at Morgan. He had changed his mind. He didn't like her.

"You know I couldn't figure it out but now I know who you remind me of. You remind of Derek!" George exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" Morgan retorted.

"Please don't insult me dad I did nothing to you," Derek answered.

"I don't know guys I seem some similar behavioral traits," Lizzie added.

"Behavioral traits?" Morgan muttered.

"Alright that is my cue to leave," Derek said standing up.

"Oh Derek, don't go. I want you to stay," Casey said. The words froze him. He fell back into his seat and looked down at his plate frowning. Casey wanted him to stay…he would do anything for her.

"That sat him down quick," Morgan muttered her breath. Derek and Casey were the only ones who heard her words. Casey nudged her and Morgan smiled. She looked up at

Derek with that knowing look in her eyes. He was starting to dislike this girl.

Silence fell again at the table. He didn't like this silence. He had no idea what everyone around the table was thinking which bothered him. He had no idea that Morgan was wondering if Casey noticed the way Derek looked at her as if she was a gift from god given just for him. He didn't know that Nora was wondering why her daughter couldn't keep a boyfriend. He didn't know that Lizzie was wondering why Casey would be best friends with someone who was so much like Derek. He didn't know that Casey was wondering why she cared if he stayed.

**- - -**

"So you and Derek huh?" Morgan whispered to Casey. They were sitting on the front doorstep. Morgan was smoking a cigarette while Casey sat there with her.

"Me and Derek what?" Casey whispered back.

"He likes you," Morgan muttered before she put her cigarette in her mouth.

"No, he doesn't," Casey said laughing.

"Oh Casey you are ever so blind. As soon as you said you wanted him to stay he sat right back down. The guy loves you," Morgan told her.

"Are you insane?" Casey asked her.

"No, I just know stuff. Didn't you hear George Derek is me? I know how people like Derek work. He wants you. He craves you. He needs you," Morgan exclaimed.

"Derek is my step brother," Casey muttered.

"Key word step. It's a delicious word. Step means not related but it's still so dirty," Morgan muttered back.

"I really think you need some help," Casey told Morgan as she stood up. She dropped her cigarette and crushed it under her sneaker.

"You know smoking gives you cancer," Casey stated. Morgan looked into Casey's clear blue eyes and frowned.

"I think he's cute," Morgan retorted as she walked by silent Casey. Casey sat there and Morgan turned around to look at her.

"You're cold Casey come inside," Morgan whispered.

**(A/N- Hope you liked it!! Please review!!)**


	7. She's Lying on the Inside

**Disclaimer- I own nothing…**

**Chapter 6**

_I try to be a good guy. I want people to see me as a good person. Well, maybe not people…just her. I want her to see that I'm a good person. I always wanted her to see that I could be a good person but somehow my efforts got lost. This time I am going to try though. This time I am going to try and she is going to realize that I am trying…for her. _

_Of course, as I've told people before I'm not a genius but when a girl throws up a perfectly good dinner which you spent a large amount of money for, you have to wonder. I mean I do something nice to cheer her up and she throws it up. Where does she throw up? IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE RESTAURANT! Now I realize it might be insensitive to react this way but geesh, cut me a break. Trying for Casey is way too hard but I don't think I can give up. _

"I think you need to realize that you are driving me nuts," Morgan told Casey. Casey was sitting on the couch with a large blanket around her shoulders. She had her legs curled up to her and her face was resting on her knees.

"You don't have to stay here," Casey told her.

"Casey, I just want you to do something. If you aren't going to tell them, can you at least do something," Morgan complained.

"What do you want me to do?" Casey asked her.

"I want you to stop asking acting like the whole world is going to end any minute," Morgan said a smile on her face.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't apologize," Morgan said softly.

"But I am sorry. I'm ruining your vacation," Casey told her.

"You are not ruining my vacation. You are boring me to tears, that's what you're doing. Where is that hot step brother of yours? Now he, I could have some fun with," Morgan said, causing Casey to laugh.

"You want me to call him? I am sure he would love to get together with you," Casey told her as she reached over to grab the house phone.

"You wouldn't dare," Morgan said. Casey started to dial his number, pausing in between each number.

"Casey don't you dare," Morgan said her voice changing from a teasing tone to a warning.

"Morgan it's ringing," Casey said, laughing as she put the phone to her ear.

"You better not say a word about me," Morgan warned. Casey smiled as she heard the ringing. For some reason she couldn't but help slightly excited about the idea of talking to Derek. When he picked up the phone something strange happened that she didn't expect.

"Hello," he said. This caused her heart to start to speed up slightly. It was almost annoying…no it was definitely annoying.

"Hi Derek," she said, a warmth that hadn't been in her voice coming out.

"Casey! Hey what's up," Derek said his voice now seemed to exude a sense of affection that hadn't been there before. The way he said her name was what did it. She had never heard anyone say her name with such reverence. She wondered why she had never noticed it before.

"Nothing, I just wanted to hear your voice," she said. As soon as what she said fully registered, she heard Morgan gasp and wanted to do the same. Why in the world would she say that? Maybe the bigger problem was that it felt right to say that…to Derek. He was silent for a few moments which made her panic.

"Umm thanks. You know I was going to call you today and um, see if you wanted to do something," Derek told her.

"Do you have anything in mind?" she asked him.

"Uh, I don't know, we could have dinner if you want. We could eat, catch up, and you can tell me all about New York," he offered.

"I'd like that very much," she told him.

"Good. Umm…yeah, so, how about I pick you up around seven," he asked.

"Alright," she answered.

"Okay, well then I will see you in a few," he told her. He realized that he should have waited to ask her out that way he could still talk to her. The only thing that made hanging up worth it was the fact that in a few hours he would have her all to himself.

"Bye Casey," he said softly.

"Bye Derek," she whispered. When she hung up and looked at Morgan, she realized what she had done.

"Explain," Morgan simply said.

"We're going out to dinner tonight," Casey said.

"So you're going on a date," Morgan stated.

"No, not a date, it's a friendly get together," Casey said.

"It's a date that will most likely end in some tender loving back at dear old brother Derek's apartment," Morgan teased.

"Gross," Casey lamely replied.

"Casey, why don't you say it with some real feeling," Morgan said with a smirk.

"It's not a date," Casey retorted.

**- - -**

It was so a date. At least in her mind it now was. He showed up wearing a button up shirt for god's sake. Derek wears t-shirts. This shirt had a collar. She had to admit that he looked adorable. His hair showed his attempts to brush it while still retaining its cute Derek-ness. He seemed nervous which made her nervous but at the same time made him seem even cuter.

He had arrived at exactly seven. He didn't want to seem too eager or too laid back. Morgan had opened the door and had gotten in several snide comments before Casey came down the stairs but it had been totally worth it. She looked gorgeous. She still seemed tired and smaller than normal but she looked more like Casey.

It started out small. She noticed when she was getting ready that she didn't feel well. She didn't want to call him and cancel though. She liked being around him. Derek made Casey feel safe but she should have cancelled. She could feel her stomach churning when the food arrived but she ignored it. These bursts of nausea came and went but this one wasn't leaving. She ate and talked. When she felt too sick to open her mouth, she asked him about the gym. He told her stories that made her laugh and with each laugh came a wanting to throw up. After a while, he noticed the pained look on her face though.

"Casey, are you okay?" he asked.

"Actually I'm not. Derek I am so sorry but do you think we can get out of here," she asked.

"Yeah sure," he said. Within a few minutes, he was paying the checking and she was bolting for the door. He followed her quickly and got outside just in time to see her try to get in the car but instead turn and puke.

"Casey," he said as he ran to her side. She had he hands on her knees as she threw up again. He noticed that she looked as if she might tip over so he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her hair back. It went on for a few moments until finally she was just standing there breathing shallowly.

"I'm so sorry. I ruined everything," Casey whispered.

"No you didn't Casey. It's fine. Everything is fine," Derek assured her. After this, she was silent. He got her into the car and by the time he pulled into their parents' driveway she was sleeping. He managed to carry her up the stairs through the seemingly empty house and into her room. As he was setting her down on her bed, Morgan walked into the room. He turned to look from the sleeping place Casey to Morgan who looked at her friend with a look that said she wasn't surprised to see her in this condition.

"Something's wrong with her…right?" he whispered. Morgan looked down and then back up. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. Derek looked back at Casey and sighed.

"She made me promise," Morgan finally said.

"Of course she did," Derek muttered.

"She's lying to everyone even herself. She thinks she can fix this but she can't," Morgan told him.

**(A/N- Hope you liked it!! Reviews have been down so let's try to get back up there. Please review!!)**


	8. So the Truth Leaks

**Disclaimer- I own nothing…**

**A/N- I'm so sorry! **

**Chapter 7**

_We all break down sometimes. The secrets we keep eat us up until we finally just collapse under the pressure. Sometimes it slowly happens, causing us to ignore it till it finally catches up with us. Other times the feeling doesn't gradually grow. Instead it just pounces after we have been running. We couldn't ignore the inevitable feeling so we raced away. Then there are those occasions that we find ourselves crumbling to the ground._

_I have always been good at handling stress. Casey was okay at it. She needed people to lean on and help her. A fact she would never admit but I knew the truth. I knew every truth there was to know about Casey. I knew that when she was lying she tapped her foot or her hand. I knew that when she felt nervous she would lightly starch her wrist. I should have known that she was going to fall any moment…but I thought I had time. I thought I had time to save her…no one could save Casey though because she wouldn't let them. She was her worst enemy. She always would be._

"He must hate me," Casey moaned as she lay on her bed next to Morgan who was flipping through a magazine. It was the morning after her 'date' with Derek and the whole disaster was coming back to her.

"He doesn't hate you. He's worried about you," Morgan said, not looking at Casey.

"Food poisoning," Casey decided.

"I thought you weren't going to lie," Morgan said, looking at her best friend who had dark circles under her eyes and was becoming noticeably thin.

"I'm not. I am just choosing to wait a little while," Casey told her.

"Well I can't do it," Morgan said.

"What are you talking about?" Casey said as Morgan stood up. She walked over to the window with her arms crossed across her chest and turned to look at Casey.

"Morgan, what's going on?" Casey demanded.

"You didn't see the look in his eyes. He knows something is wrong with you. He wants to know so badly not because he wants to be a bother but because he wants to help," Morgan said.

"What did you tell him," Casey whispered.

"I didn't tell him anything because I'm your friend and I promised you. I never should have though. I wouldn't have if I knew that you were going to keep it a secret," Morgan answered.

"This is my business and if I choose not to tell them then that's my deal," Casey replied.

"You have got to be kidding me!" Morgan cried.

"Morgan, no one told you to come here," Casey said, getting up from the bed. She was shaky at first, leaning against it for support.

"Look at you…you can't even stand up. Yet you continue to act like nothing is wrong," Morgan said. The sarcasm in her voice made Casey smile. She didn't have to feel bad if she was going to be rude.

"I don't feel that well. I threw up my last meal in case you forget," Casey retorted.

"You honestly think you can go through treatment on your own. Without anyone's help…wait, I forget. You are "super Casey". She needs no one right? That's why you broke up with Peter wasn't it? Or did you break up with Peter because you were in love with Derek?" Morgan said.

"What are you talking about? Have you lost it?" Casey stuttered as she felt her knees wobble.

"I saw the way he looked at you. I'm not an idiot. You may be blind to the way he feels about you but everyone else can see it," Morgan told her.

"You are insane," Casey muttered as she turned her back on her friend, walking towards the door.

"Casey, please just think about this," Morgan said. Casey felt her hand shake as she reached to open the door. Her whole body was shaking. She felt as if her whole body was on fire, which didn't help.

"Morgan just…" she mumbled. Her hand slipped as she went to grab onto the doorknob and she felt herself move forward. Then she was falling down until she was on her knees with her head on her lap.

"Casey," Morgan said as she rushed forward.

"Casey, hun, what's wrong?" Morgan asked.

"I can't…I'm too hot," Casey murmured.

"Alright Casey, how about we get you to the hospital," Morgan said as she tried to pull her friend up.

"This isn't supposed to be happening...he said I had time," Casey whispered.

"What are you talking about?" Morgan said.

"I lied Morgan, about the treatment," Casey whispered.

"No, you didn't. You said that Dr. Lambert told you that you could wait to start treatment until August and you would be fine. Remember when you said that to me Casey?" Morgan said, urgently refusing to believe Casey as she finally began to tell the truth.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Casey whispered.

"Casey you aren't funny. For this I am going to make you do laundry for a full month. That's scrubs included," Morgan joked as she pulled Casey up.

"It was too late. If Peter hadn't taken my blood that day for demonstration, I would have just kept thinking I was tired. I'm lucky I knew at all what was going on," Casey told her.

"Shut up okay? This isn't funny. None of this is funny anymore," Morgan said, firmly refusing to believe Casey as she walked her out of the room.

"He tested it just for the sake of it…isn't that ironic?" Casey whispered.

"No, it isn't. That's not ironic at all. I think you are losing it," Morgan told her.

"I think I would have rather not known," Casey whispered.

"Would you just shut up for two seconds so I can think?!?" Morgan demanded. Casey looked at her usually bubbly friend, surprised.

"You were right," she simply replied.

"About what?" Morgan asked curiously as Casey pulled away from her.

"Derek. I'm not going to tell him though. It will just make it hurt worse in the end," Casey told her as she slid down to the floor, leaning against the wall.

"You are talking crazy again Casey. You're acting like you are going to--," Morgan stopped abruptly.

"Die? Why do you think Peter broke up with me," Casey said, a small smile on her face.

"You broke up with him."

"No, I didn't. He got the results back and gave them to Dr. Lambert. He knew what they meant or at least had a guess. How long has he been in medical school Morgan? He doesn't need this distraction. That's what he said to me. My dying would be a distraction. He was always focused."

"Stop it now. You won't do this. You won't make me feel bad for yelling at you," Morgan retorted angrily.

"How could I tell them if I couldn't even tell you? I had to lie to you over and over. I had to make up reasons why you couldn't come to my appointments. I had to lie about Peter. Make up reasons why I wasn't starting treatment yet. I didn't want to but I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want you to cry because I knew the minute you started to I would. I can't break down like that. Not yet, so please don't cry Morgan."

"You can't just die Casey. That doesn't make sense," Morgan whispered as she stood there.

"You can't! You won't!" Morgan said then, suddenly interrupting Casey before she could speak. She sat down next to Casey then and looked away as she slid her hand into Casey's. They were both silent for a moment until Morgan spoke softly.

"He knew he wouldn't let you wait that long," Morgan whispered.

"It's too far along."

"How about this? I will go and call him. There has to be something. Something he didn't think about…I am sure if we do some research we can find something that will work," Morgan whispered.

"Morgan, he suggested surgery and I turned it down. It wasn't going to help. We both knew that. Its spread too far, too fast. I didn't have a chance," she said with a light smile on her face as she stared at Derek's old bedroom door.

"You don't know that for sure. I say we have a call again. Go back home and go for it," Morgan told her.

"I think I am going to tell them today," Casey decided.

"Casey please," Morgan begged softly.

"Do you really think he loves me?" Casey whispered as she turned her head to look into her best friend's desperate eyes.

**(A/N-I am so sorry. This chapter took a long time but I have finally decided what direction I am taking this story in. It won't be what you may expect but its something different from and for me. Please review!!!!) **


	9. I Love You

**Disclaimer- I do not own anything…**

**Chapter 8**

_You can plan everything out. You can write it out. Think of it in your head. Tell someone every little detail. Keep the details to yourself. You can plan everything out to the last minute._

_You can wait and wait, trying to get to that point where it's the perfect moment. You can wait for that moment where everything clicks and you are sure that nothing can possibly go wrong._

_You can pump yourself up. Give yourself a million speeches where you tell yourself that she would be crazy to not want you. You can look yourself in the mirror and believe you are enough. _

_That doesn't mean anything will happen the way you want._

It was empty. All of the debating had been for nothing because when Derek arrived at his parents' home, it was empty. There were no cars in the driveway. He went in anyway, using his old key. He walked through the silent, dark home not knowing what to do with himself. He noticed as he walked up the hall that one light was on though…Casey's. He walked quietly and looked into the room to see Casey lying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling.

He went over to her at that moment. What should he tackle first: his anger towards her for holding back the truth? His grief that related back to her not trusting him? Or his love for her that would overcome any other feeling? No, he needed to start out with something simple.

"Uh what are you doing?" he asked her. She looked up, surprised, and sat up quickly when she saw it was him. She attempted to stand up but when her knees started to buckle, he had to grab her around the arms to stop her from falling over.

"You okay?" he asked, slightly startled.

"Yeah I'm fine. My feet fell asleep," she lied. They came so quickly and easily. She was a better liar then she had ever been.

"Here, how about you sit down on the bed for a few minutes," he told her, moving her towards her bed.

"Where is everyone else," he asked as she sat down, letting go of her regretfully.

"They went to the movies. I was feeling tired so I stayed behind," she lied. They had gone to dinner. Morgan was going to tell them. Casey was such a coward that she couldn't even tell them herself. She couldn't help but wonder what they would think of her for waiting so long and for lying. Would they understand that lying had become part of her now? If she lied, then she could pretend to be better.

"You're lying," Derek whispered. It wasn't an accusation. It was merely a statement. He didn't look at her as he said it, instead focusing on the wall.

"Why are you always lying…to me? The rest of them I could get but before it was me and you. Now you keep lying to me," Derek murmured.

"It's for the best," she whispered.

"Trying to protect me Casey or is it you that you're worried about?"

"I don't want to hurt you," she said softly and he looked at her, grabbing her wrists. As he held them he looked down and saw how small they seemed. He looked at her face then and saw the tears that she refused to let fall.

"If you don't want to hurt me then tell me the truth," he whispered. She leaned forward then and pressed her forehead up against his. He closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling that flooded through him as they sat there, silent. Fear swam through him but this feeling, the feeling that for a few moments she was his, even if that wasn't the true motive behind this gesture, made him smile slightly.

Casey's eyes, however, were open and watching as he smiled; as he smiled she felt her heart rate go up slightly and the pain of the situation settled in. Within moments, the tears she had been holding back were falling down her face. She sat there though, unwilling to move from where she was, unable to let go of the feeling of safety she felt. She could be scared in front of Derek. Derek had been the person who had seen her at her lowest, he was the one who was there for her when everything else was falling apart. Derek was the person who had put her back together when she couldn't do it.

"Derek, can you fix me again?" she whispered. The words were painful to utter because she knew it wasn't fair. He couldn't fix this and putting pressure on him to fix it wasn't fair. No one could fix this.

"Whatever you want Casey," he murmured, his eyes still closed, causing her to wonder if he was actually listening.

"Derek," she said a little bit louder, causing his eyes to open.

"You're crying," he said softly.

"I never meant to wait this long."

"It's never too late Casey. You're still here. I am here. Just tell me."

"I'm dying and I love you," she whispered.

"_I'm dying and I love you." _

_Those words changed my life. I would forever remember the frail blue eyed girl who uttered them to me. Her hands shaking, her voice unsteady, and her heart mine…even if it was just for that moment I knew it would be enough. She was my destiny. Maybe I am self centered but I like to think my dad marrying Nora was all part of fate's way to get Casey in my life. The fire in my body had gotten what it wanted. My heart knew what the fire didn't though. For once, she was telling the truth. _

_My first assumption had been wrong. She was not pregnant but now I would have gladly taken that option. I would rather her in my life forever than have her gone from it forever, even if that meant she would be with another man. At least that was what my heart said. The fire had claimed her though; she would be mine for as long as possible. She had said words that would forever change my life. Two other words she didn't utter though would also be a part of the rest of my life whether I liked it or not. _

_Pancreatic cancer was what took Casey from me. She died four months after telling me. It's been four years since then and I still can remember the last time I kissed her and how it felt. I can remember each time I held her hand and the feeling it gave me. _

_The doctors had told Casey it was only a matter of time until it took her and it did. But I still remember lying in bed with her weeks before she had to go to the hospital because she couldn't hold food down and hearing her whisper "I love you". I remember crying after she fell asleep and I stared at her. I attempted bargaining with God but it didn't work. I researched and called every specialist I could but no one had answers. _

_The day she died I knew everything in my life would be forever changed and it was. I don't think there will ever be someone in my life like Casey. I know I was lucky to have her. If there is one thing Casey taught me it's that we don't have as long as we like to think. As much as I will forever cherish every moment I have with her, I will always remember the moments I could have had if I had had the guts to tell her the truth. In wedding vows, they say 'till death do us part' but even though she is gone, I continue to hold onto her and hold onto to that feeling I got that day when she finally let me in. One day I will have that feeling again. One day I will be with Casey again. _

**(A/N-Sorry it's short and very late. Hopefully someone still cares about this story lol. I don't think story was meant to be long so I just wanted it to have a simple conclusion. Thank you for reading this and sorry it took so long. Please review)**


	10. First Book!

Hello fellow writers and readers! I have finally done it! I have finally written and self published my first book on Amazon. I figured who better to tell the good news than my first readers! It is definitely along the same vein as my fanfics so I hope you guys will go buy my first book and read it :D I would love to see what you think of my next step in writing. The name is Work in Progress by Brianna St. Jean. I really hope you guys like it.


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